Death of U.S.S.Thunderchild

[u.s.s.sovereign]

Выношу на общественный суд мою зарисовку о крушении U.S.S.Thunderchild. (на английском) Жду отзывов. В особенности от лингвистов.
 
 
Death of U.S.S.Thunderchild
The howl of alarm signal was everywhere in the ship. Through the puffs of smoke, through the grinding of metal and creak of decks, through the cries of pain and fear captain’s words transmitting through the communication system were being listened: “Abandon the ship! Abandon the ship! All the stuff, leave the ship immediately!” His intense voice was filling in every passage, every module, every cabin… But it was too late. The ship was seized by the immeasurable power of gravitation. The fire on the board was increasing and the crew was trying to stop the incursion of the chaos but all in vain. The people were in panic…
The bridge crew was deadly calm. Their faces lighted by the control panels didn’t express anything at all. Only absolute unnatural calmness… Maybe in front of their eyes pictures of their lives were appearing and changing each other, their close friends, their families, wives, husbands, children, parents… Maybe, maybe… Then the oxygen cylinder visible from a break on the ceiling exploded and this explosion deadly wounded the chief engineer and threw him across the bridge. The engineering were reporting damage status. But captain was too far away from his doomed ship and he couldn’t hear anything.
The uncontrolled ship was being engaged into the atmosphere of the planet and the temperature inside was growing up. The atmospheric whirlwinds were destroying the structure of the ship. The left warp engine was torn off and rushed into the outer space. The gravity pressure was growing up and the ship, like a meteor, was rapidly falling to her death. The power of friction was skinning swarms of wreckages from the scorching hull and streamed them into the space.
No one could survive in those conditions. The crew had been already dead and the fire captured every room, every passage, every module…
Two minutes later the flash of quantum explosion illuminated the landscape of the alien world.

[Undel]

Многовато артиклей "the" и кое-что я бы подредактировал... сейчас выложу свой вариант данного текста.
 
добавлено через 2 минуты
The howl of alarm signal rocked through entire ship. Through the puffs of smoke, grinding of metal and creak of decks, cries of pain and fear captain’s words transmitted by the communication system stated: “Abandon the ship! Abandon the ship! All crew, leave the ship immediately!” His intense voice filled every passage, every module, every cabin… But it was too late. The ship was seized by the immeasurable power of gravitation. The fire onboard was increasing and the crew tried to stop the incursion of chaos but all in vain. They were starting to panic…
The bridge crew was deadly calm. Their faces lighted by the control panels didn’t express anything at all. Only absolute unnatural calmness… Maybe in front of their eyes pictures of their lives were appearing and changing each other - their close friends, families, wives, husbands, children, parents… Maybe, maybe… Then the oxygen cylinder visible from the breach in the ceiling exploded and this explosion deadly wounded chief engineer and threw him across the bridge. Engineering staff have been reporting damage status. But captain was too far away from his doomed ship and he couldn’t hear anything.
The uncontrolled ship has engaged into the atmosphere of the planet and the temperature inside started to grow. Atmospheric whirlwinds started to destroy the structure of the ship. Left warp nacelle was torn off and thrown in outer space. The force of gravity have been growing up and the ship, like a meteor, strted to rapidly fall to face her own her death. The power of friction was skinning swarms of wreckages from the scorching hull and streamed them into the space.
No one could survive in those conditions. The crew had been already dead and the fire captured every room, every passage, every module…
Two minutes later the flash of quantum explosion illuminated the landscape of the alien world.

[u.s.s.sovereign]

Undel , спасибо за ценные замечания. Учту. А как Вам вообще, как вам сам текст? Его выполнение? (я будущий лингвист), (буду пробовать поступить в МГЛУ)

[Undel]

u.s.s.sovereign, хм... первое - текст очень "русский" в плане построения предложений, второе - огрехи в грамматике. А вот с орфографией все ОК

[u.s.s.sovereign]

Undel, напишите пожалуйста в личку по-подробнее. Если не затруднит. Это важно для меня.

[Batyrsik]

А теперь моя очередь. Как житель англоязычной страны, внесу несколько изменений:
 
 
The howl of alarm signal rocked the entire ship. Through the puffs of smoke, grinding of metal and creak of decks, cries of pain and fear, captain’s words were transmitted by the communication system. “Abandon the ship! Abandon the ship! All crew, leave the ship immediately!” His intense voice filled every passage, every module, every cabin… But it was too late. The ship was seized by the immeasurable power of gravitation. The fire was increasing. The crew tried to stop the expansion of chaos but all in vain. They were starting to panic…
The bridge crew was deadly calm. Their faces lighted by the control panels didn’t express anything at all. Only absolute unnatural calmness… Maybe in front of their eyes pictures of their lives were appearing and changing: their close friends, families, wives, husbands, children, parents… Maybe, maybe… Then the oxygen cylinder exploded. The explosion mortally wounded the chief engineer and threw him across the bridge. Engineering staff has been reporting damage status. But captain was too far away from his doomed ship and he couldn’t hear anything.
The uncontrolled ship had entered the atmosphere of the planet and the temperature inside was starting to grow. Atmospheric whirlwinds started destroying the structure of the ship. Left warp nacelle was torn off and thrown in outer space. The force of gravity has been growing and the ship, like a meteor, started to fall rapidly. The ship was facing her death. The power of friction was skinning swarms of wreckages from the scorching hull and streaming them into the space.
No one could survive in those conditions. The crew was already dead and the fire consumed every room, every passage, every module…
Two minutes later the flash of the quantum explosion illuminated the landscape of the alien world.
 
 
Вот так. Поправил грамматику и немного подправил стилистику.

[Capt. Paparazzi]

u.s.s.sovereign, хочешь, треккера-американку попрошу посмотреть?

[u.s.s.sovereign]

Batyrsik, спасибо!
Capt. Paparazz, был бы благодарен.